It's been well over a year since I have taken the time to document anything in my life. WOW! What a year...and almost a half. It has been filled with blessings, tender mercies, heart break, adventure, sorrow, faith, joy, sadness, and I could keep going.
I have had so many adventures. I fell in love, that didn't pan out, but it was an experience I would never want to change. I became a better me. A me that had goals, and dreams and spunk! I left my home, my family, friends, co-workers, school, and comfort zone. I ached, oh how I ached at that decision.
The summer of 2013 will always be an unforgettable one. I finished school at HPA in mid June. I spent the next week packing and sorting my classroom so that I would be ready to move to Mesa. After my classroom was packed, we (Lizz and I) continued to pack our house to prepare for the big move. This was by far the hardest thing I had ever done, or so I thought at the time. I was so devastated to be leaving my home and all the aforementioned. But I knew I needed to, not why, but just that I did. I have faith in that decision even though I may not understand it. Through a series of events I was blessed to have help moving. Help from family that is near and dear to my heart.
I have learned in the last year or so that family is not just a blood relation, heck I have a lot of blood relations who don't even know who I am, or care to know for that matter. Family are the people who love you even when they don't have to. I found a part of my family that was missing. Jodi and Bret Deru are the parents I have always ached to have. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I just have enough love to have more than one set. I am honored and constantly amazed at the love these amazing people offer me. I have been accepted into their hearts and home, and I know that is where I belong. But more on how much I love them....later!
We moved me into my classroom on June 22nd. The following week, June 28th, we moved our "house" to Mesa. This was a really hard day to say the least. A lot was changing and I felt like my whole world had been taken away. I clung to what and who I knew and tried to start making my new life one that I could be happy with. So, what did I do? I went to church of course! The one thing that felt most constant in my life.
Now for this part of the story, I have to back up about a month or so. On May 17th 2013 my best friend's sister got married in the temple. I was invited, a fact that honored me beyond belief. I came to Mesa that weekend and stayed with Gigi. I spent a lot of my time with Amber, Friday and Saturday. I got back to grandma's house and decided that for church I was going to go to the singles ward I would be in within a couple months. I figured "why not go where I am going to be going from now on?" I searched the address and time of church and surprised myself by actually getting up and making it to this new ward at 9am. (Woo-hoo go me!) I sat in sacrament and met a nice girl. I can't remember her name but it starts with a K. She had to leave after sacrament to go to work, so I headed to Relief Society. I met a Kathy, Kami, Carolina, and about 12 other /K/ named girls. I INSTANTLY hit it off with Carolina and Kami. Carolina gave the lesson, and as she taught the spirit was so strong. I knew I wanted to know her. We chatted a little bit, I found out she was a teacher and we had several things in common. Carolina headed off to Sunday School and Kami and I took a walk (for an hour) around the church building. Kami was so easy to talk to. We too had a lot in common. She was working in a school and was getting ready to do her student teaching. It was easy to talk to her, comfortable, like I had known her a long time. I got Kami's number and told her I would probably text her as time got closer for me to move to Mesa.
Okay, flash forward to June 30th. Lizz and I went to church in our new ward. We sat through Sacrament meeting and afterwards who do I see? Carolina!! She had remembered me from our meeting the previous month. I cannot tell you the tender mercy this was from my Heavenly Father. Here I was in a new place feeling, well feeling A LOT. Mostly feeling like I had lost everything, dramatic I know, but I can't help it. Carolina was (and is) a tender mercy from a kind and caring Heavenly Father who knows me, and exactly what *I* need. I cannot ever express enough gratitude for that.
Anyway, Carolina and I hit it off. The Bishop even came up to me and after revealing I had just moved into the area (our ward had JUST split, and nobody knew anybody for the most part) he said, but you are such good friends with Carolina. I told him the story of how I had met her in May, and he said "but you know her so well!" Haha, guess we were pretty tricky!!
Needless to say we became pretty great friends pretty fast. That night she asked me to come over and watch a movie with some of the girls. We had a blast! Kami and I have gotten closer too. We normally sit by each other at church, and text each other to see what's going on. I have made quite a few friends since moving to Mesa, and am grateful for that! I've also rekindled an older friendship. Brittany Openshaw Morgan - who has been one of my best friends since we were like 8 or 9, lives only a few minutes from me. I have loved sharing in her life again. It has been another great blessing
So as time went on I began to adjust. I was regularly going into my classroom (which was housing a summer camp, that is a dreadful story, and I'm sure I don't come out smelling like roses either) it was hard because I had to make sure I came late enough in the day that my room was empty. I also was limited on time because I then had to leave when everyone else left. I was feeling overwhelmed and like nothing was going my way, in the work arena anyway. I spent hours trying to organize and sort a room that I doubted would be ready for kids when school started. I felt blocked, unappreciated, undervalued, and STRESSED!! I knew I would be heading to Powell the week right before teachers went back to work. I worked tirelessly to get as much done as I could before leaving on my trip.
At this point I'd lived in Mesa for about a month, and it was Becca's birthday coming up. She was planning this awesome 80s themed party for her 30th birthday. Lizz and I headed to Havasu and hung out and enjoyed a great party! On Sunday I went to the Deru's and we got ready for our Lake Powell trip. I was so excited to be with them. It had only been a month but being away from Havasu felt like it had been an eternity since I had seen them. I knew I was going to have a full week of time to spend with them and I was so excited!!!
We headed to Page that day and had a very rainy, but fun trip. When we arrived I couldn't have been any happier. For one I was getting out of the car! And two I was greeted by the people I have grown to love as my family for the last 2 years. This was it! The trip, the time, the relaxation I had waited for ALL year. The ONE big exciting trip I take. We unloaded the cars and talked and got reacquainted. The next morning was launch day. This is a long, but fun day! The guys go out on the speed boats and scout us a location, and we, in the house boat, relax and enjoy the ride. There is inevitably a water balloon fight, maybe some naps and picture taking...
We found a spot and the work began, well not for me I played with babies and kids and enjoyed the nice, much cooler weather! As we started to settle in to the flow of the week we realized we were on a VERY busy beach. Well the problem with that is, WAVES, an almost nonstop rocking house boat, but not only that, the kids don't get as much of a chance to just enjoy the water, tubing, wave runners and so forth. So after a couple days and much deliberation a vote was taken. I'm not really sure that the vote happened, everyone just said, "whatever" nonetheless the next day we started to pack everything up and get ready to move. There were toys to be cleaned up, sand bags to be emptied, a slide to deconstruct and so forth. One of the many components of the slide was a huge piece of plywood. Jerry stood the plywood up and was prepping to have it lifted to the second level of the boat. I was at the front of the boat and Jerry asked me to spray all the sand off, and then run up stairs and help him pull it onto the top deck. I did as he asked, spraying carefully as to not get Jerry wet, but to thoroughly rinse the sand off. After I finished rinsing I hung up the hose and turned to quickly run up the stairs to help him. As I turned, I must have forgotten I was standing on a ledge. The next thing I knew I was falling, I rolled my right ankle, and landed pretty hard on my right knee. I'm not going to lie, it HURT. I was lying on the ground for a second, waiting to see how my ankle was going to react. To my surprise, my ankle had made an awful crunch but it was okay, I could stand. I had a bloody knee and it was instantly swollen, QUITE swollen. Before long I realized that my left foot was REALLY hurting. I had no marks, no swelling that I could see, but it hurt! My knee looked the worst of it, and everyone told me to sit down and relax. I think that was the moment I knew not everything was okay. I sat, quietly crying, and trying to not show how scared I actually was. Someone brought me ice for my knee, and I didn't want it on my knee, I just wanted it for my foot. I remember just thinking, I don't know what happened, but my left foot got it the worst. The hustle and bustle of moving the house boat went on around me. I eventually made it inside the boat and sat, trying not to freak out, trying not to cry, I wasn't very successful. Someone brought me a pain pill and for the rest of the day, about 12 hours I sat in the boat and watched movies. I remember the pain, and the fear. I got a blessing from Bret and Jerry and I felt more calm, and gradually my foot started to feel a little better. That is until I started to walk on it. I have never felt anything like that pain. The fear came back. The somewhat undeniable fact that my foot was NOT ok. As the days went on I tried to walk a little here and there. I was waited on by a group of super loving people....some of which told me to suck it up and start walking. Haha. But each day it felt a little better. I began to play with the kids and tried to be involved with everyone. I missed out on so much and ached to be able to do what I had planned for this trip. It was hard but I went on with life, feeling like I was a burden, and feeling like I was useless and a waste of space on the boat. But dang it I LOVE these people and nothing made me more happy than being with them.
Because of work I had to leave the house boat earlier than anyone else. The Deru's took me to the marina to get my car. The whole boat ride to the marina I cried. 1) because it hurt, 2) because I was scared and 3) because I really didn't get to spend any of that time that I had so been looking forward to with Jodi. As I watched her Cradle Ben as we crashed through each excruciating wave I wished it was me. I wished she was holding me, and telling me it was going to be okay. And then I remembered I'm 26 years old, get over it. That's what she would say anyway. :) I got to my car and had no idea how to get home (there was a detour and I was a little more than clueless) I started driving the way I thought I should go. I got this nagging feeling that I was wrong. I stopped at an ADOT building and met a nice woman who drew me a map of how to get where I needed to go. She is my hero!! With my foot throbbing I stopped for gas, and a bathroom break. Feeling as if I was a million years old, walking thousands of miles just to pee. After about 6+ hours I made it home. And my foot looked a little something like this.....
I figured the swelling was because it was in fact bruised, and you know it had been hanging down for 6+ hours. After a few days I began to feel sick. I had a cough, my throat was killing me, my ear was throbbing, but most of all....it was my eye. I thought I was going blind. It was blurry and painful and red. Well work started Monday. And you can't miss your very first day of your brand new job. So I went. I hobbled in and sat down looking like the VERY hot mess that I was.
So I decided Urgent Care was my FIRST stop after work. I really went in because THAT does not look normal. The pain in my eye and ear were so intense I could hardly function. While at the office I casually asked the dr. to look at my foot. It felt so much better than when it initially happened I was sure it was just a bruise, but I thought what the heck. He said that the only way to know for sure was to do an x-ray. I asked him casually, "How much is that going to cost?" he told me he would check and be back. He came in and said "the x-ray is included in your copay." I said, we might as well then. Of course when I got home and told Lizz this story I said "Its like I was losing money if I didn't get it." This is a now famous quote in our house. So I hobbled down to the x-ray room, with a technician who did NOT realize I had an injured foot, or so it seemed by the speed at which he walked down the hallways, and man handled my foot smashing it on the table. I walked slowly back to my room and awaited the Dr. He said, "You did a good job, it's broken!"
I think I felt relief because I finally knew. Also, I knew I was getting eye drops, and antibiotics, and pain meds for my ear ache. I just felt like crying. Because of the pain, because I was scared, and because I was relieved. Little did I know what I was in store for. He sent me home with this...
Which I affectionately called boot. This was just the beginning. This nice man told me to wear boot when I was walking, but that I didn't need to sleep in it, and I could stand in the shower and what not, no big deal. He said, go see an orthopedic Dr. in a couple weeks if its bothering you. Ummm HI! I BROKE MY FOOT! But I digress. Well after the confirmation that is was indeed broken, I couldn't wait a couple weeks to see a dr. So I made an apt for that Friday. I went in and met Dr. Pipher. (SUPER cutie, just saying). Dr. Pipher explained that I had broken one of the slowest healing bones, and had what is called a Jones Fracture. NOT a good thing, like at all!! It was bad, on bad, on bad. Dr. Pipher told me I was NOT to take the boot off except to shower, that meant sleeping, walking, you name it I'm in it. He said, sit down as much as you can. If I didn't I would probably need surgery. Does everyone remember what I do for a living?? Oh right, I teach kindergarten. So for the next 2 1/2 weeks (until my next appt) I sat down as much as I could, which admittedly wasn't very much. I had a classroom to set up, I had things to do, I had 25 shining little faces counting on me for EVERYTHING. How could I let them down? How could I let THIS stop me from being the best. Well it did stop me. It stopped me from being the teacher I normally am. It was hard, and I knew, deep down that I was going to have surgery. I tried my best and I did everything I could for my little cuties. When I went back to Dr. Pipher and had x-rays, I saw them across the room. I am not trained in anything medical, I couldn't read an x-ray if my life depended on it, but in that moment, I knew it wasn't good. I knew I had done real damage and now I had consequences to deal with.
Dr. Pipher gave me my options. I had decided on the option of external surgery. This in hindsight, I cannot even believe I agreed to, but it meant getting back to work really soon, hopefully. So I said yes and went on my way. I went to work the next day knowing what was coming in the next week or so. I sat at my desk thinking, WHAT did I just agree to?! I prayed and thought and worried, and decided I was going to do the internal surgery instead. Now this would mean at least 4 weeks off of school. This scared me. I've never left my kids for more than 3 days at a time. And this, this was a new job, brand new kids who were JUST learning how to be in Kindergarten. I was terrified.
I went to my principal and talked to him about what was happening. He was so very supportive. He had seen my dedication to the school and to my kids even though it had been such a struggle. He backed me 100%.
That weekend I went to Havasu. Just trying to find some solace. Trying to remember what being really happy and competent felt like. I needed that piece of home to get me through what was a really scary and tough situation. I went to work Monday through 1/2 day on Thursday. I said good bye to my kids, I cried of course. Earlier that morning my sub had come in and asked all the questions she had, we discussed the kids and routine and I was feeling super happy and confident with her taking over my class. While it was still heart breaking I knew that she was a great fit! I went home and took the last actual shower I would have for about 3 1/2 weeks. Got into my jammies and relaxed. I knew this was going to be a long day.
At about 2:30 Lizz drove me to the hospital. I was terrified. Most of the time I spent in hospitals was when my mom was sick, and eventually passed away. I was so scared. I was so glad I had Lizz with me. There is no way I could have done that alone. This is what that looked like....
I was sick I was so nervous. The nurses were nice, and I knew I was in good hands, but it was still nerve wracking. After what seemed forever, my anesthesiologist came in and talked to me, Dr. Pipher came in and I remember suddenly I was VERY dizzy. I was off to dream land. I woke up and asked for Lizz, they made me wait a while but finally went and got her. I was alive!! Haha! Lizz took me home and took the very best care of me...
And that is what it looked like afterwards! The first week I was pretty out of it. I didn't have much pain in my foot, only where my heel was rubbing the splint. I had great friends come to visit and talk to me on the phone. It was a nice distraction. My biggest most welcomed distraction was Jeff.
Now Jeff actually came about a few days before my surgery. My friend Brittany ^ the same one, knew a guy named Jeff. She said you have to talk to Jeff, you guys would be awesome! You would hit it off and get along really well I think. She wasn't wrong. Jeff and I texted every day. We spent 6 hours on the phone one night. I was kind of hooked. I had never talked to anyone who made me feel so at ease. His sense of humor was the same as mine. He got my lame jokes and I got his. We laughed at the same stuff, liked similar media items, we enjoyed each other. So we went on a date. Well as much of a date as you can in a splint after just having surgery and using a knee scooter. Jeff was awesome. He made me laugh, he was ADORABLE, he was a gentleman and he made me feel special. We spent a lot of time talking, and we kissed. When I kissed him I was having this internal monologue, different than when I had kissed before. It was nice, but I kept waiting for something to click in my brain, it didn't. We kept talking, for a couple more weeks, he was fun, and we enjoyed each others company so much, but we just didn't spark. I think I fell in love with the idea of being in love, and Jeff is what that idea stuck to. We had better communication than anyone I have ever met. Man, woman, friend, anyone, the best. We hung out once after we talked about the no spark thing, and no surprise, still no spark. We haven't talked since. I think it is a tender mercy from the Lord. I need to not be stuck on a dream. I want to find someone who can't stand the idea of not being with me. I want to feel adored, and special when I don't feel that way about myself. I like Jeff, I will always think he is a good guy, just not my guy. And that's okay. I think I got one step closer to knowing what I want. I'm thankful to Jeff for that.
So the Jeff distraction ended, and the long awaited two weeks for the stitches to come out was over!! This was the day I had been waiting for. This was the day Dr. Pipher said we would take out stitches and talk about walking on it. (This is what it looked like at the appt where Dr. P said that ^)
I took that to mean stitches out, lets stand up. WRONG!!!!!!
This was my hardest day yet. Harder than breaking my foot, finding out it was broken, or even finding out I had to have surgery and be out of work. This was my breaking point. I lost the person who had become one of my best friends, I didn't get to shower OR start walking, I was done. I sobbed. I cried and cried. I didn't think I would ever find my way out of this deep, dark hole. Two of my dearest friends, Amber and Carolina called me that night. They called to check on me. Amber let me cry, about Jeff, about life, about my foot, about missing my mom and moving from Havasu, and starting a new job, about being far from so many people who were my life. She listened and she told me to let go and that I was dealing with hard things, and that it was okay to cry, and be sad. That fixed my broken heart more than I can ever say. After that breakdown, after my walls shattered around me I could see the light of day. I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me, and that Jesus Christ had atoned for my pain, my sins, sorrows and heartbreaks. Christ knows ME! He knows exactly how I feel. He bore that pain for me, and it was time for me to give it to Him. To let Him take it as He has always promised to. I prayed, and I read scriptures and I felt new. I felt like this was a new beginning, that THIS was joy and the atonement working in my life. I felt a conviction of love and hope and faith and I was bursting with joy.
So here I am today. I'm feeling better. I'm feeling confidence and hope and faith that this is a trial I had to have. I know this has taught me patience, understanding and a lot of other things I really hope I remember. So now I get to wait....another week. And then I can start putting weight on my foot. Its hard yes, but the end is near, haha, or rather just another beginning.
So the summer of 2013 has been full of every emotion I can imagine. I have become a better me, or so I'm trying! I have learned that the Lord will always be there for me. That if I rely on Him, He is waiting. It is my turn to seek Him continually.
Thank you to all of you who have supported me, have loved me, called me, come and seen me, YOU are the reason I found joy, because the Lord blessed me with you!!
UPDATE:
I was off my foot completely for a total of 5 weeks and then in the boot for about 4 more weeks after that. Two weeks after the boot came off I slipped on a rock, rolled my ankle and fractured my fibula on my right leg, as well as tearing 5 ligaments. Welcome back BOOT!! I was in the boot on my right foot for about 8 weeks. So now I am out of the boot, but in a brace. I am starting to get back into walking and really looking forward to getting back to the gym and ZUMBA! I'm glad I feel like I am getting back to normal finally!!
