Epiphany

I am simply astonished at what I have learned in the last four days. What I have realized about my self, what I have realized about others. I feel like a brand new woman! The importance I have placed on certain things in my life, have often times been misdirected. I felt like I was heading in the right direction, or "fighting" the right fight. Turns out I was WRONG! I have this constant need and desire to TALK about EVERYTHING!! Why?! Most often times it doesn't change anything. Most often it makes you second guess yourself or those around you. How is it tht it has taken me 25 years to have this epiphany? Ok I will give myself a break, the first 10 probably weren't real deep thinking years. But still 15 years to realize I just need to shut up! Now this may be completely ironic that here I am "talking" about shutting up, old habits die hard...I could make the excuse that if I write it down, I will remember, or maybe it is just my way of letting other people...like me...know the answer. If you love someone, love them, show them, just o it, don't sit around talking about it. I am all for words of affirmation, and expressions of love, that's not what I mean. I have spent so much time analyzing love, worrying what this means, or what that means. I could have missed out on the feelings, the experience, the joy of what love is. I want to be more than I have been in the past, so I should just be it!! Stop talking and do! I'm excited for the realizations that have come to my mind, and that change that has been wrought in my heart. I am excited to do, and to be!

Sensitivity...

I had gone through a phase where my very delicate-sensitive nature had become tough. Well the toughest I have ever been. I find myself slipping back into that sensitivity. More and more each day I feel the pressures, stresses and disappointments weighing me down. I know that I can't let disappointments lead my life, however, maybe it is indeed okay to be sensitive. If I am sensitive to the needs of others, if I am sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and maybe, just MAYBE it IS okay for me to have sensitive feelings. I wish that the things people said and did, didn't bother me. I wish broken promises or intentions didn't hurt the way they do. I wish that relationships didn't mean so much. That is a very sad thing for me to say. I really do try to be honest, sincere and loving with all those I interact with, but when I don't feel that reciprocated I start to wonder...who is this for? And if it doesn't matter to the other person...WHY should it matter to me? That isn't the person I have ever been, nor will I ever be that way. I will give and go out of my way and give the benefit of the doubt time and time again, even when it hurts that it isn't returned. Even when all I want to do is cry because this time was going to be different, this time *I* was going to be the priority. Now I am in NO way claiming to be a saint. I make my fair share of mistakes. I say the wrong thing, or I drop the ball...QUITE often, but I try, I hope I am helpful and not just a nuisance. None the less, THIS is who I am! Sensitive! Maybe I shouldn't try to change me. I just need to realize that a lot of things happen, and when I am SO sensitive I am really only hurting myself. Wish I could turn that off!

Today...

WHY is it SO hard to accept that some people love me...the people I crave to love me, that DO in fact love me? Maybe this is just me. That self confidence issue that comes up so often in my life. It makes me laugh when people say "Oh you are so confident." It's an act people. On the self worth scale I'm running on empty. Of course it is sometimes harder than other times. This is one of those hard times. One of those "I'm not good enough, I don't deserve anything..." kind of times. Why do I feel this way? I know I have a loving Heavenly Father that loves me. I have family and friends who think the world of me. Why don't I love me? Sometimes I feel pretty fantastic about my accomplishments...and other times I see how very, very far I have left to go and it seems pointless, hopeless...like I might as well give up. I'm normally a pretty positive gal. I like to find the positive in any kind of situation...except it seems, when it is my own situation. It is easy to put on a brave face for everyone else, but what happens when I shut the door and "everyone" is gone. "Muster up optimism for myself?" I say. Not a chance! Writing this feels good. Getting these thoughts out of my head is a relief. I sometimes wonder how I can seem so "happy" on the outside when I feel so oposite on the inside.

Such a downer lately...

10-30-11

It has been a VERY long time since I last posted, and for some reason tonight it feel like I was called to write.

This time of year is always hard for me. It marks the time I lost my dad. Why it still affects me so I'm not really sure. However, it does...every year. I think about those stinkin' what ifs, and all the things I need to be doing to follow my Heavenly Father's plan to get us all back together. We have done the temple work for my mom and dad, and guess what mom and dad, you are sealed...we will see if that takes. Haha! Our last step is to get sealed together as a family. As I progress forward in this task that I always deemed impossible I feel blessed, confused, excited, worried, and hopeful. I know that my Heavenly Father will work it all out in the end. This mortal mind limits me from comprehension and I still worry. I miss my parents. I miss my mom. I miss having that one person I could tell ANYTHING to and never feel embarrassed. I miss the advice she gave, and the way she would listen to me no matter how many times I repeated myself. I miss the times when I just needed to say something and have no advice, which she gave me anyways and I got annoyed. I want that someone who is my very own to talk to and tell things to without fear. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but I cherished those moments we had. It is times like tonight when I am so uncertain about so much that I want totalk to her.

I have had SO many changes through out the last year. I cannot even begin to list them all! I got to a point where I was really happy in Havasu. Socially happy that is. I have family, a great ward, awesome friends, people I can't imagine not having in my life every day. The thought of leaving these people "behind" caused a terrible ache in me and I had no idea how I would ever be able to part. However, I wasn't happy with my job, and I couldn't wait to move on in that respect. Now, I absolutely love my job, but I feel like I am socially ready to move on. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying I don't love and adore all those people mentioned above, I have just realized that my life is one that is just starting, I get to create whatever I want. I get to be and to have whatever I set my mind to. I cannot tag along on someone else's life. Why is it that when you finally feel settled or comfortable in one area your mind changes about something else? I wish my head and my heart could get on the same page! There is so much I want to do and see, and part of me feels like "sitting" here in Havasu leads no where.

This is what happens when I stay up late and contemplate my life. More to come...

Confused about not being confused.

I felt like this post needed it's very own space

I know that I am at the stage in my life where marriage is a GREAT goal. It is what I want, it is what I SHOULD want. However, it's not that easy! Finding a worthy, dateable, funny, compassionate, church loving man is NOT simple. Especially when yo live somewhere like HAVASU!

And then there is this side of me that says: "Hey, you are good at being single. You have a great life. You are living worthy, you are blessed like CRAZY. You have the job you want, you have had the opportunity to be close to family. You don't have to worry about LEARNING to live with someone. You don't have to think about making someone happy, or learning how to be happy with someone. Life is good. And if you are worthy the Lord will make it right." That's a cheap way out.

And why is it when you DO find someone who you could like...that likes you, there are obstacles. Like: the distance between you...geographically, AND spiritually! A friend told me tonight, (and I am paraphrasing...I am sure she wont mind...) "You are living RIGHT, you do not want to get into a situation where you have to start 'fixing' things." It is SO true. I don't want to have to "get there" I AM there. I want to find someone who is there too!!!

I am also starting to realize that as much as single life is wonderful I am missing out on things like:

Loving

Being loved

Sharing thoughts/feelings

Making a home

Being sealed and having the wonderful blessings of the temple

Having children

Having someone to make decisions with

Laughing with someone who gets YOU

Smiling and knowing what the other is thinking

Having goals together

Staying up late and giggling

Going on dates

Sharing secrets

Snuggling

Holding hands

Sitting with that special someone at church

The priesthood in my home

Someone to call my own...and have him call me his

Fighting over what movie to watch

Laughing at the disasters we encounter

Being a wife

Being a mother

Feeling wanted

Love for eternity!

I have also come to the realization that *I* Kathryn M. Scott CAN be picky about who I marry!! For some reason people think they should "settle" or instead HOPE things will get better or change in a person. I am ALL for being positive. But WHY would I decide to choose someone who cannot take me to the temple, who cannot offer me the priesthood. WHY would I NOT fight with everything I have to make happen what I know is right. What I KNOW the Lord wants. What I KNOW, without ANY doubt in my mind, heart and spirit to be true? I say to you I WILL!! I will NOT settle. I will live worthy, and let the Lord do the rest! It's not too much to ask, because I KNOW the Lord provides a way!

Things I MUST have in an Eternal Companion:

Worthy/Active Priesthood holder

CAN and WANTS to take me to the temple

Service oriented

Wants children

Can laugh at himself and with me

Has and makes goals

Wants to be better, and help me be better

Isn't complacent

Appreciates music

Good Listener

Easy/out going

There are probably a lot more...maybe I will update as they come to me...But that is a pretty good start!

Now...just to BECOME all of those things so I make it fair game!

Oh the chaos!

Alright so I haven't blogged in like a MILLION years!! Life has been CRAZY! I last blogged in January...let's see so that is...6...nearly 7 months. I feel as though I have failed. Remember that goal about being a better blogger? Alas, I am trying.

Events in my life since January:
I have completed my first year of teaching!! Woo-hoo!! It was amazing! I had the best group of kids EVER!! I miss them a lot, but I am excited for them to move on, and am super excited to be teaching KINDERGARTEN this year. That has always been my dream so I am pretty stoked.

I went to girl's camp and have a FANTASTIC time!! We went to Pine Valley Utah, and it was one of the best experiences ever!!! I seriously love the young women's program!

I got realeased from my primary teacher calling and am now primary chorister. (Ask me in a few more weeks if I am excited...;)

I have had the opportunity to have friends come visit! Pam has been here, Pam and Whitney have been here. Amber has visited. I had a complete blast with all of them and hope they felt the same way!!! I want them to come back!!! I have also had the opportunity to go and visit friends and family and I am grateful for those wonderful opportunities!

I have been endowed for a year. Holy CRAZY!! Where did time go?? I have a goal to make it to the temple every month as I head down the two year mark. I started by going in July! Whoot!

Let's see how I have been doing on my goals...

1 - Becoming a better teacher - I am working on it. I don't think this goal will ever stop and I am WAY excited to start the new year.

2 - Taking time for me - well, I'm not sure it has been constructive...but it is a work in progress.

3 - Reading scriptures - I am WORKING on it. A struggle as always but today in church I had an overwhelming desire to be better. To have the Holy Ghost with me ALWAYS, to make sure I take time to feel the comforter around me. I'm going to stop being afraid to ask for that comfort.

4 - Giving my all in my calling - well it is a new calling, and I am trying to be excited as I face new challenges, I will let you know how it goes.

5 - Appreciate friends and family - I am trying to not take them for granted. I know I need to be better at showing my love and appreciation to them.

6 - Saving money - Let's skim over that....haha, I did really well not running out of money for the summer. Does that count??

7 - Voice lessons - remember that money comment? Well it got tight. So, I had to stop...but I hope to try again someday!

8 - Making friends -WOW! This is a hard one when you live in a town where there are not very many people yor age...so it is a working goal!

9 - Attending the temple - As stated above, I am excited to be going. I LOVE the temple!!

10 - Keeping up on laundry - Is this a fair chore?? Haha, Sometimes I am better than others...

11 - Listening to the Holy Ghost - It is something I am learning to be guided by. I need to utilize this AWESOME gift. And I have really and truly started to understand that you don't have to have a smack upside the head...or even a whisper to know what to do. If you are living the way you should a lot of times the answers come without long deliberation. You are guided by having that strength and conviction already in your heart and mind.

Gigi's 90th Birthday/Goal Update/Scripture Reading

Happy 90th Birthday Gigi!

Today was my Gigi's 90th Birthday. We had a fabulous family get together/party for her birthday. I know that we take Gigi for granted because she doesn't seem anywhere close to 90! It is crazy how active and with it she is. It was fun to get a picture of all of us and just enjoy the company. Hopefully I will have more pictures to post soon!

My goals are going pretty good so far. I have been reading my scriptures everyday and have been excited to start going to Institute and have made some new friends. We have also decided to start an FHE group. We start Monday at my house, and I am making chocolate pie with graham cracker crust and whip cream! I think this is going to be super exciting! Laundry has been pretty successful thus far (Thanks to the help of Lizz). And temple attendance will resume once again on January 23rd, I cannot WAIT to go!! Saving money is one of those terrible things that I am not good at, but I will keep on trying. As for the rest I feel as though I love my family and friends, I am excited for voice on Tuesday, and taking time for me is coming in small but adequate doses!

During my scripture reading I have had some interesting insights. I feel like things are starting to make more sense to me and have a real life application. I have read the Book of Mormon before, but I feel like this time I am able to apply scripture to my life even more. As I was reading in 1 Nephi, he was talking about Lehi's vision. I was reading about the iron rod and the tree, and how Lehi wished his family would partake of the fruit. He spoke of the iron rod and how the people were holding tight and walking to the tree to partake of the fruit. As the mist of darkness came those people who had ALREADY partaken of the fruit fell away because of the temptations of the Devil.

And it got me thinking (Okay so this is an elementary concept I should have connected a LONG time ago, but I am trying people!) the fruit is the love of God, it is His truth and his word. This overwhelming sense of sadness came over me, these people knew God, they knew His word and His love, and they were still tempted to stray. It broke my heart to think this is possible. To think that bad things have happened to people with a testimony and instead of clinging to God's love, they withered away into Satan's domain and were left to feel sorrow and an ache that will never be filled. I never want anyone to know what that feeling is like.

This makes me want to remind people of what they have. It makes me want to share the gospel with EVERYONE! I wish I was braver, I wish I knew HOW! But I vow to try harder, because the sorrow I feel at this very thought moves me to action. I love this gospel! It is true, and I have taken it for granted, because I always knew it was there, it was comfortable and easy and safe. But how dare I do that! I have the true and restored gospel of Jesus Christ! I want to be better!