Sensitivity...

I had gone through a phase where my very delicate-sensitive nature had become tough. Well the toughest I have ever been. I find myself slipping back into that sensitivity. More and more each day I feel the pressures, stresses and disappointments weighing me down. I know that I can't let disappointments lead my life, however, maybe it is indeed okay to be sensitive. If I am sensitive to the needs of others, if I am sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and maybe, just MAYBE it IS okay for me to have sensitive feelings. I wish that the things people said and did, didn't bother me. I wish broken promises or intentions didn't hurt the way they do. I wish that relationships didn't mean so much. That is a very sad thing for me to say. I really do try to be honest, sincere and loving with all those I interact with, but when I don't feel that reciprocated I start to wonder...who is this for? And if it doesn't matter to the other person...WHY should it matter to me? That isn't the person I have ever been, nor will I ever be that way. I will give and go out of my way and give the benefit of the doubt time and time again, even when it hurts that it isn't returned. Even when all I want to do is cry because this time was going to be different, this time *I* was going to be the priority. Now I am in NO way claiming to be a saint. I make my fair share of mistakes. I say the wrong thing, or I drop the ball...QUITE often, but I try, I hope I am helpful and not just a nuisance. None the less, THIS is who I am! Sensitive! Maybe I shouldn't try to change me. I just need to realize that a lot of things happen, and when I am SO sensitive I am really only hurting myself. Wish I could turn that off!

Today...

WHY is it SO hard to accept that some people love me...the people I crave to love me, that DO in fact love me? Maybe this is just me. That self confidence issue that comes up so often in my life. It makes me laugh when people say "Oh you are so confident." It's an act people. On the self worth scale I'm running on empty. Of course it is sometimes harder than other times. This is one of those hard times. One of those "I'm not good enough, I don't deserve anything..." kind of times. Why do I feel this way? I know I have a loving Heavenly Father that loves me. I have family and friends who think the world of me. Why don't I love me? Sometimes I feel pretty fantastic about my accomplishments...and other times I see how very, very far I have left to go and it seems pointless, hopeless...like I might as well give up. I'm normally a pretty positive gal. I like to find the positive in any kind of situation...except it seems, when it is my own situation. It is easy to put on a brave face for everyone else, but what happens when I shut the door and "everyone" is gone. "Muster up optimism for myself?" I say. Not a chance! Writing this feels good. Getting these thoughts out of my head is a relief. I sometimes wonder how I can seem so "happy" on the outside when I feel so oposite on the inside.

Such a downer lately...

10-30-11

It has been a VERY long time since I last posted, and for some reason tonight it feel like I was called to write.

This time of year is always hard for me. It marks the time I lost my dad. Why it still affects me so I'm not really sure. However, it does...every year. I think about those stinkin' what ifs, and all the things I need to be doing to follow my Heavenly Father's plan to get us all back together. We have done the temple work for my mom and dad, and guess what mom and dad, you are sealed...we will see if that takes. Haha! Our last step is to get sealed together as a family. As I progress forward in this task that I always deemed impossible I feel blessed, confused, excited, worried, and hopeful. I know that my Heavenly Father will work it all out in the end. This mortal mind limits me from comprehension and I still worry. I miss my parents. I miss my mom. I miss having that one person I could tell ANYTHING to and never feel embarrassed. I miss the advice she gave, and the way she would listen to me no matter how many times I repeated myself. I miss the times when I just needed to say something and have no advice, which she gave me anyways and I got annoyed. I want that someone who is my very own to talk to and tell things to without fear. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but I cherished those moments we had. It is times like tonight when I am so uncertain about so much that I want totalk to her.

I have had SO many changes through out the last year. I cannot even begin to list them all! I got to a point where I was really happy in Havasu. Socially happy that is. I have family, a great ward, awesome friends, people I can't imagine not having in my life every day. The thought of leaving these people "behind" caused a terrible ache in me and I had no idea how I would ever be able to part. However, I wasn't happy with my job, and I couldn't wait to move on in that respect. Now, I absolutely love my job, but I feel like I am socially ready to move on. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying I don't love and adore all those people mentioned above, I have just realized that my life is one that is just starting, I get to create whatever I want. I get to be and to have whatever I set my mind to. I cannot tag along on someone else's life. Why is it that when you finally feel settled or comfortable in one area your mind changes about something else? I wish my head and my heart could get on the same page! There is so much I want to do and see, and part of me feels like "sitting" here in Havasu leads no where.

This is what happens when I stay up late and contemplate my life. More to come...