Thursday, February 6, 2014

Gospel Principles

So I was issued a challenge, one that has made me realize how much more I get to learn, especially about the gospel. 
So the challenge was, when reading scriptures always go with a question. I have heard this concept before, but I'm not always the best with follow through when it comes to good ideas, haha. Anyway, the thought is that when you go to the scriptures with a question you can be inspired to find out what the Lord wants you to know. Once this revelation is received write it on a piece of paper, put it in your pocket and ponder it all day. Okay so I am new at this, today was my first day, but I am SO excited!! 
I was reading Mormon chapter 1 and I came with the question, what gospel principle is being taught in this chapter? Almost instantly, the thought "obedience" came to me. As I began to ponder this through out the day, I realized quite a few things. I realized that while some people feel being "obedient" takes away freedom, I believe it affords me so much MORE freedom than I can imagine.
Obedience to the Word of Wisdom, allows me to have a healthier mind and body, it also allows me to be free from addiction to substances tthat harm me.
Obedience to the law of chastity, allows me, yet again, to have a healthy body, mind, spirit, and virtue. This helps me to have a clear conscience and a greater sense of self worth.
Obedience to the commandments of God, allows me to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost. This blesses me in so many ways. To be able to have guidance in decisions in my daily life, and in the bigger choices in my life. The spirit also blesses me with comfort, understanding, and personal revelation that will help me make it back to my Heavenly Father.
Obedience to laws of the land. When I follow the laws of the land I am kept safer, I enjoy freedoms by obeying these laws. 
Obedience to our parents (okay, so maybe this makes more sense in reference to children and youth). This allows us to learn from our parents mistakes, to be protected when they see the bigger picture that we cannot see. 
I'm sure there are many more I forgot, and many more I will think of, but I'm slightly distracted by the Olympics. I LOVE them!!! Go Team USA!!!! :)

Friday, September 20, 2013

Summer 2013

It's been well over a year since I have taken the time to document anything in my life. WOW! What a year...and almost a half. It has been filled with blessings, tender mercies, heart break, adventure, sorrow, faith, joy, sadness, and I could keep going.

I have had so many adventures. I fell in love, that didn't pan out, but  it was an experience I would never want to change. I became a better me. A me that had goals, and dreams and spunk! I left my home, my family, friends, co-workers, school, and comfort zone. I ached, oh how I ached at that decision.

The summer of 2013 will always be an unforgettable one. I finished school at HPA in mid June. I spent the next week packing and sorting my classroom so that I would be ready to move to Mesa. After my classroom was packed, we (Lizz and I) continued to pack our house to prepare for the big move. This was by far the hardest thing I had ever done, or so I thought at the time. I was so devastated to be leaving my home and all the aforementioned. But I knew I needed to, not why, but just that I did. I have faith in that decision even though I may not understand it. Through a series of events I was blessed to have help moving. Help from family that is near and dear to my heart.
I have learned in the last year or so that  family is not just a blood relation, heck I have a lot of blood relations who don't even know who I am, or care to know for that matter. Family are the people who love you even when they don't have to. I found a part of my family that was missing. Jodi and Bret Deru are the parents I have always ached to have. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I just have enough love to have more than one set. I am honored and constantly amazed at the love these amazing people offer me. I have been accepted into their hearts and home, and I know that is where I belong. But more on how much I love them....later!
We moved me into my classroom on June 22nd. The following week, June 28th, we moved our "house" to Mesa. This was a really hard day to say the least. A lot was changing and I felt like my whole world had been taken away. I clung to what and who I knew and tried to start making my new life one that I could be happy with. So, what did I do? I went to church of course! The one thing that felt most constant in my life.
Now for this part of the story, I have to back up about a month or so. On May 17th 2013 my best friend's sister got married in the temple. I was invited, a fact that honored me beyond belief. I came to Mesa that weekend and stayed with Gigi. I spent a lot of my time with Amber, Friday and Saturday. I got back to grandma's house and decided that for church I was going to go to the singles ward I would be in within a couple months. I figured "why not go where I am going to be going from now on?" I searched the address and time of church and surprised myself by actually getting up and making it to this new ward at 9am. (Woo-hoo go me!) I sat in sacrament and met a nice girl. I can't remember her name but it starts with a K. She had to leave after sacrament to go to work, so I headed to Relief Society. I met a Kathy, Kami, Carolina, and about 12 other /K/ named girls. I INSTANTLY hit it off with Carolina and Kami. Carolina gave the lesson, and as she taught the spirit was so strong. I knew I wanted to know her. We chatted a little bit, I found out she was a teacher and we had several things in common. Carolina headed off to Sunday School and Kami and I took a walk (for an hour) around the church building. Kami was so easy to talk to. We too had a lot in common. She was working in a school and was getting ready to do her student teaching. It was easy to talk to her, comfortable, like I had known her a long time. I got Kami's number and told her I would probably text her as time got closer for me to move to Mesa.
Okay, flash forward to June 30th. Lizz and I went to church in our new ward. We sat through Sacrament meeting and afterwards who do I see? Carolina!! She had remembered me from our meeting the previous month. I cannot tell you the tender mercy this was from my Heavenly Father. Here I was in a new place feeling, well feeling A LOT. Mostly feeling like I had lost everything, dramatic I know, but I can't help it. Carolina was (and is) a tender mercy from a kind and caring Heavenly Father who knows me, and exactly what *I* need. I cannot ever express enough gratitude for that.
Anyway, Carolina and I hit it off. The Bishop even came up to me and after revealing I had just moved into the area (our ward had JUST split, and nobody knew anybody for the most part) he said, but you are such good friends with Carolina. I told him the story of how I had met her in May, and he said "but you know her so well!" Haha, guess we were pretty tricky!!
Needless to say we became pretty great friends pretty fast. That night she asked me to come over and watch a movie with some of the girls. We had a blast! Kami and I have gotten closer too. We normally sit by each other at church, and text each other to see what's going on. I have made quite a few friends since moving to Mesa, and am grateful for that! I've also rekindled an older friendship. Brittany Openshaw Morgan - who has been one of my best friends since we were like 8 or 9, lives only a few minutes from me. I have loved sharing in her life again. It has been another great blessing
So as time went on I began to adjust. I was regularly going into my classroom (which was housing a summer camp, that is a dreadful story, and I'm sure I don't come out smelling like roses either) it was hard because I had to make sure I came late enough in the day that my room was empty. I also was limited on time because I then had to leave when everyone else left. I was feeling overwhelmed and like nothing was going my way, in the work arena anyway. I spent hours trying to organize and sort a room that I doubted would be ready for kids when school started. I felt blocked, unappreciated, undervalued, and STRESSED!! I knew I would be heading to Powell the week right before teachers went back to work. I worked tirelessly to get as much done as I could before leaving on my trip.
At this point I'd lived in Mesa for about a month, and it was Becca's birthday coming up. She was planning this awesome 80s themed party for her 30th birthday. Lizz and I headed to Havasu and hung out and enjoyed a great party! On Sunday I went to the Deru's and we got ready for our Lake Powell trip. I was so excited to be with them. It had only been a month but being away from Havasu felt like it had been an eternity since I had seen them. I knew I was going to have a full week of time to spend with them and I was so excited!!!
We headed to Page that day and had a very rainy, but fun trip. When we arrived I couldn't have been any happier. For one I was getting out of the car! And two I was greeted by the people I have grown to love as my family for the last 2 years. This was it! The trip, the time, the relaxation I had waited for ALL year. The ONE big exciting trip I take. We unloaded the cars and talked and got reacquainted. The next morning was launch day. This is a long, but fun day! The guys go out on the speed boats and scout us a location, and we, in the house boat, relax and enjoy the ride. There is inevitably a water balloon fight, maybe some naps and picture taking...

We found a spot and the work began, well not for me I played with babies and kids and enjoyed the nice, much cooler weather! As we started to settle in to the flow of the week we realized we were on a VERY busy beach. Well the problem with that is, WAVES, an almost nonstop rocking house boat, but not only that, the kids don't get as much of a chance to just enjoy the water, tubing, wave runners and so forth. So after a couple days and much deliberation a vote was taken. I'm not really sure that the vote happened, everyone just said, "whatever" nonetheless the next day we started to pack everything up and get ready to move. There were toys to be cleaned up, sand bags to be emptied, a slide to deconstruct and so forth. One of the many components of the slide was a huge piece of plywood. Jerry stood the plywood up and was prepping to have it lifted to the second level of the boat. I was at the front of the boat and Jerry asked me to spray all the sand off, and then run up stairs and help him pull it onto the top deck. I did as he asked, spraying carefully as to not get Jerry wet, but to thoroughly rinse the sand off. After I finished rinsing I hung up the hose and turned to quickly run up the stairs to help him. As I turned, I must have forgotten I was standing on a ledge. The next thing I knew I was falling, I rolled my right ankle, and landed pretty hard on my right knee. I'm not going to lie, it HURT. I was lying on the ground for a second, waiting to see how my ankle was going to react. To my surprise, my ankle had made an awful crunch but it was okay, I could stand. I had a bloody knee and it was instantly swollen, QUITE swollen. Before long I realized that my left foot was REALLY hurting. I had no marks, no swelling that I could see, but it hurt! My knee looked the worst of it, and everyone told me to sit down and relax. I think that was the moment I knew not everything was okay. I sat, quietly crying, and trying to not show how scared I actually was. Someone brought me ice for my knee, and I didn't want it on my knee, I just wanted it for my foot. I remember just thinking, I don't know what happened, but my left foot got it the worst. The hustle and bustle of moving the house boat went on around me. I eventually made it inside the boat and sat, trying not to freak out, trying not to cry, I wasn't very successful. Someone brought me a pain pill and for the rest of the day, about 12 hours I sat in the boat and watched movies. I remember the pain, and the fear. I got a blessing from Bret and Jerry and I felt more calm, and gradually my foot started to feel a little better. That is until I started to walk on it. I have never felt anything like that pain. The fear came back. The somewhat undeniable fact that my foot was NOT ok. As the days went on I tried to walk a little here and there. I was waited on by a group of super loving people....some of which told me to suck it up and start walking. Haha. But each day it felt a little better. I began to play with the kids and tried to be involved with everyone. I missed out on so much and ached to be able to do what I had planned for this trip. It was hard but I went on with life, feeling like I was a burden, and feeling like I was useless and a waste of space on the boat. But dang it I LOVE these people and nothing made me more happy than being with them.
Because of work I had to leave the house boat earlier than anyone else. The Deru's took me to the marina to get my car. The whole boat ride to the marina I cried. 1) because it hurt, 2) because I was scared and 3) because I really didn't get to spend any of that time that I had so been looking forward to with Jodi. As I watched her Cradle Ben as we crashed through each excruciating wave I wished it was me. I wished she was holding me, and telling me it was going to be okay. And then I remembered I'm 26 years old, get over it. That's what she would say anyway. :) I got to my car and had no idea how to get home (there was a detour and I was a little more than clueless) I started driving the way I thought I should go. I got this nagging feeling that I was wrong. I stopped at an ADOT building and met a nice woman who drew me a map of how to get where I needed to go. She is my hero!! With my foot throbbing I stopped for gas, and a bathroom break. Feeling as if I was a million years old, walking thousands of miles just to pee. After about 6+ hours I made it home. And my foot looked a little something like this.....

I figured the swelling was because it was in fact bruised, and you know it had been hanging down for 6+ hours. After a few days I began to feel sick. I had a cough, my throat was killing me, my ear was throbbing, but most of was my eye. I thought I was going blind. It was blurry and painful and red. Well work started Monday. And you can't miss your very first day of your brand new job. So I went. I hobbled in and sat down looking like the VERY hot mess that I was.

So I decided Urgent Care was my FIRST stop after work. I really went in because THAT does not look normal. The pain in my eye and ear were so intense I could hardly function. While at the office I casually asked the dr. to look at my foot. It felt so much better than when it initially happened I was sure it was just a bruise, but I thought what the heck. He said that the only way to know for sure was to do an x-ray. I asked him casually, "How much is that going to cost?" he told me he would check and be back. He came in and said "the x-ray is included in your copay." I said, we might as well then. Of course when I got home and told Lizz this story I said "Its like I was losing money if I didn't get it." This is a now famous quote in our house. So I hobbled down to the x-ray room, with a technician who did NOT realize I had an injured foot, or so it seemed by the speed at which he walked down the hallways, and man handled my foot smashing it on the table. I walked slowly back to my room and awaited the Dr. He said, "You did a good job, it's broken!"

I think I felt relief because I finally knew. Also, I knew I was getting eye drops, and antibiotics, and pain meds for my ear ache. I just felt like crying. Because of the pain, because I was scared, and because I was relieved. Little did I know what I was in store for. He sent me home with this...

Which I affectionately called boot. This was just the beginning. This nice man told me to wear boot when I was walking, but that I didn't need to sleep in it, and I could stand in the shower and what not, no big deal. He said, go see an orthopedic Dr. in a couple weeks if its bothering you. Ummm HI! I BROKE MY FOOT! But I digress. Well after the confirmation that is was indeed broken, I couldn't wait a couple weeks to see a dr. So I made an apt for that Friday. I went in and met Dr. Pipher. (SUPER cutie, just saying). Dr. Pipher explained that I had broken one of the slowest healing bones, and had what is called a Jones Fracture. NOT a good thing, like at all!! It was bad, on bad, on bad. Dr. Pipher told me I was NOT to take the boot off except to shower, that meant sleeping, walking, you name it I'm in it. He said, sit down as much as you can. If I didn't I would probably need surgery. Does everyone remember what I do for a living?? Oh right, I teach kindergarten. So for the next 2 1/2 weeks (until my next appt) I sat down as much as I could, which admittedly wasn't very much. I had a classroom to set up, I had things to do, I had 25 shining little faces counting on me for EVERYTHING. How could I let them down? How could I let THIS stop me from being the best. Well it did stop me. It stopped me from being the teacher I normally am. It was hard, and I knew, deep down that I was going to have surgery. I tried my best and I did everything I could for my little cuties. When I went back to Dr. Pipher and had x-rays, I saw them across the room. I am not trained in anything medical, I couldn't read an x-ray if my life depended on it, but in that moment, I knew it wasn't good. I knew I had done real damage and now I had consequences to deal with.
Dr. Pipher gave me my options. I had decided on the option of external surgery. This in hindsight, I cannot even believe I agreed to, but it meant getting back to work really soon, hopefully. So I said yes and went on my way. I went to work the next day knowing what was coming in the next week or so. I sat at my desk thinking, WHAT did I just agree to?! I prayed and thought and worried, and decided I was going to do the internal surgery instead. Now this would mean at least 4 weeks off of school. This scared me. I've never left my kids for more than 3 days at a time. And this, this was a new job, brand new kids who were JUST learning how to be in Kindergarten. I was terrified.
I went to my principal and talked to him about what was happening. He was so very supportive. He had seen my dedication to the school and to my kids even though it had been such a struggle. He backed me 100%.
That weekend I went to Havasu. Just trying to find some solace. Trying to remember what being really happy and competent felt like. I needed that piece of home to get me through what was a really scary and tough situation. I went to work Monday through 1/2 day on Thursday. I said good bye to my kids, I cried of course. Earlier that morning my sub had come in and asked all the questions she had, we discussed the kids and routine and I was feeling super happy and confident with her taking over my class. While it was still heart breaking I knew that she was a great fit! I went home and took the last actual shower I would have for about 3 1/2 weeks. Got into my jammies and relaxed. I knew this was going to be a long day.
At about 2:30 Lizz drove me to the hospital. I was terrified. Most of the time I spent in hospitals was when my mom was sick, and eventually passed away. I was so scared. I was so glad I had Lizz with me. There is no way I could have done that alone. This is what that looked like....

I was sick I was so nervous. The nurses were nice, and I knew I was in good hands, but it was still nerve wracking. After what seemed forever, my anesthesiologist came in and talked to me, Dr. Pipher came in and I remember suddenly I was VERY dizzy. I was off to dream land. I woke up and asked for Lizz, they made me wait a while but finally went and got her. I was alive!! Haha! Lizz took me home and took the very best care of me...

And that is what it looked like afterwards! The first week I was pretty out of it. I didn't have much pain in my foot, only where my heel was rubbing the splint. I had great friends come to visit and talk to me on the phone. It was a nice distraction. My biggest most welcomed distraction was Jeff.
Now Jeff actually came about a few days before my surgery. My friend Brittany ^ the same one, knew a guy named Jeff. She said you have to talk to Jeff, you guys would be awesome! You would hit it off and get along really well I think. She wasn't wrong. Jeff and I texted every day. We spent 6 hours on the phone one night. I was kind of hooked. I had never talked to anyone who made me feel so at ease. His sense of humor was the same as mine. He got my lame jokes and I got his. We laughed at the same stuff, liked similar media items, we enjoyed each other. So we went on a date. Well as much of a date as you can in a splint after just having surgery and using a knee scooter. Jeff was awesome. He made me laugh, he was ADORABLE, he was a gentleman and he made me feel special. We spent a lot of time talking, and we kissed. When I kissed him I was having this internal monologue, different than when I had kissed before. It was nice, but I kept waiting for something to click in my brain, it didn't. We kept talking, for a couple more weeks, he was fun, and we enjoyed each others company so much, but we just didn't spark. I think I fell in love with the idea of being in love, and Jeff is what that idea stuck to. We had better communication than anyone I have ever met. Man, woman, friend, anyone, the best. We hung out once after we talked about the no spark thing, and no surprise, still no spark. We haven't talked since. I think it is a tender mercy from the Lord. I need to not be stuck on a dream. I want to find someone who can't stand the idea of not being with me. I want to feel adored, and special when I don't feel that way about myself. I like Jeff, I will always think he is a good guy, just not my guy. And that's okay. I think I got one step closer to knowing what I want. I'm thankful to Jeff for that.

So the Jeff distraction ended, and the long awaited two weeks for the stitches to come out was over!! This was the day I had been waiting for. This was the day Dr. Pipher said we would take out stitches and talk about walking on it. (This is what it looked like at the appt where Dr. P said that ^)

I took that to mean stitches out, lets stand up. WRONG!!!!!!

This was my hardest day yet. Harder than breaking my foot, finding out it was broken, or even finding out I had to have surgery and be out of work. This was my breaking point. I lost the person who had become one of my best friends, I didn't get to shower OR start walking, I was done. I sobbed. I cried and cried. I didn't think I would ever find my way out of this deep, dark hole. Two of my dearest friends, Amber and Carolina called me that night. They called to check on me. Amber let me cry, about Jeff, about life, about my foot, about missing my mom and moving from Havasu, and starting a new job, about being far from so many people who were my life. She listened and she told me to let go and that I was dealing with hard things, and that it was okay to cry, and be sad. That fixed my broken heart more than I can ever say. After that breakdown, after my walls shattered around me I could see the light of day. I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me, and that Jesus Christ had atoned for my pain, my sins, sorrows and heartbreaks. Christ knows ME! He knows exactly how I feel. He bore that pain for me, and it was time for me to give it to Him. To let Him take it as He has always promised to. I prayed, and I read scriptures and I felt new. I felt like this was a new beginning, that THIS was joy and the atonement working in my life. I felt a conviction of love and hope and faith and I was bursting with joy.

So here I am today. I'm feeling better. I'm feeling confidence and hope and faith that this is a trial I had to have. I know this has taught me patience, understanding and a lot of other things I really hope I remember. So now I get to wait....another week. And then I can start putting weight on my foot. Its hard yes, but the end is near, haha, or rather just another beginning.
So the summer of 2013 has been full of every emotion I can imagine. I have become a better me, or so I'm trying! I have learned that the Lord will always be there for me. That if I rely on Him, He is waiting. It is my turn to seek Him continually.
Thank you to all of you who have supported me, have loved me, called me, come and seen me, YOU are the reason I found joy, because the Lord blessed me with you!!

I was off my foot completely for a total of 5 weeks and then in the boot for about 4 more weeks after that. Two weeks after the boot came off I slipped on a rock, rolled my ankle and fractured my fibula on my right leg, as well as tearing 5 ligaments. Welcome back BOOT!! I was in the boot on my right foot for about 8 weeks. So now I am out of the boot, but in a brace. I am starting to get back into walking and really looking forward to getting back to the gym and ZUMBA! I'm glad I feel like I am getting back to normal finally!!

Sunday, April 29, 2012


I am simply astonished at what I have learned in the last four days. What I have realized about my self, what I have realized about others. I feel like a brand new woman! The importance I have placed on certain things in my life, have often times been misdirected. I felt like I was heading in the right direction, or "fighting" the right fight. Turns out I was WRONG! I have this constant need and desire to TALK about EVERYTHING!! Why?! Most often times it doesn't change anything. Most often it makes you second guess yourself or those around you. How is it tht it has taken me 25 years to have this epiphany? Ok I will give myself a break, the first 10 probably weren't real deep thinking years. But still 15 years to realize I just need to shut up! Now this may be completely ironic that here I am "talking" about shutting up, old habits die hard...I could make the excuse that if I write it down, I will remember, or maybe it is just my way of letting other me...know the answer. If you love someone, love them, show them, just o it, don't sit around talking about it. I am all for words of affirmation, and expressions of love, that's not what I mean. I have spent so much time analyzing love, worrying what this means, or what that means. I could have missed out on the feelings, the experience, the joy of what love is. I want to be more than I have been in the past, so I should just be it!! Stop talking and do! I'm excited for the realizations that have come to my mind, and that change that has been wrought in my heart. I am excited to do, and to be!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


I had gone through a phase where my very delicate-sensitive nature had become tough. Well the toughest I have ever been. I find myself slipping back into that sensitivity. More and more each day I feel the pressures, stresses and disappointments weighing me down. I know that I can't let disappointments lead my life, however, maybe it is indeed okay to be sensitive. If I am sensitive to the needs of others, if I am sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and maybe, just MAYBE it IS okay for me to have sensitive feelings. I wish that the things people said and did, didn't bother me. I wish broken promises or intentions didn't hurt the way they do. I wish that relationships didn't mean so much. That is a very sad thing for me to say. I really do try to be honest, sincere and loving with all those I interact with, but when I don't feel that reciprocated I start to wonder...who is this for? And if it doesn't matter to the other person...WHY should it matter to me? That isn't the person I have ever been, nor will I ever be that way. I will give and go out of my way and give the benefit of the doubt time and time again, even when it hurts that it isn't returned. Even when all I want to do is cry because this time was going to be different, this time *I* was going to be the priority. Now I am in NO way claiming to be a saint. I make my fair share of mistakes. I say the wrong thing, or I drop the ball...QUITE often, but I try, I hope I am helpful and not just a nuisance. None the less, THIS is who I am! Sensitive! Maybe I shouldn't try to change me. I just need to realize that a lot of things happen, and when I am SO sensitive I am really only hurting myself. Wish I could turn that off!

Sunday, November 6, 2011


WHY is it SO hard to accept that some people love me...the people I crave to love me, that DO in fact love me? Maybe this is just me. That self confidence issue that comes up so often in my life. It makes me laugh when people say "Oh you are so confident." It's an act people. On the self worth scale I'm running on empty. Of course it is sometimes harder than other times. This is one of those hard times. One of those "I'm not good enough, I don't deserve anything..." kind of times. Why do I feel this way? I know I have a loving Heavenly Father that loves me. I have family and friends who think the world of me. Why don't I love me? Sometimes I feel pretty fantastic about my accomplishments...and other times I see how very, very far I have left to go and it seems pointless, I might as well give up. I'm normally a pretty positive gal. I like to find the positive in any kind of situation...except it seems, when it is my own situation. It is easy to put on a brave face for everyone else, but what happens when I shut the door and "everyone" is gone. "Muster up optimism for myself?" I say. Not a chance! Writing this feels good. Getting these thoughts out of my head is a relief. I sometimes wonder how I can seem so "happy" on the outside when I feel so oposite on the inside.

Such a downer lately...

Sunday, October 30, 2011


It has been a VERY long time since I last posted, and for some reason tonight it feel like I was called to write.

This time of year is always hard for me. It marks the time I lost my dad. Why it still affects me so I'm not really sure. However, it does...every year. I think about those stinkin' what ifs, and all the things I need to be doing to follow my Heavenly Father's plan to get us all back together. We have done the temple work for my mom and dad, and guess what mom and dad, you are sealed...we will see if that takes. Haha! Our last step is to get sealed together as a family. As I progress forward in this task that I always deemed impossible I feel blessed, confused, excited, worried, and hopeful. I know that my Heavenly Father will work it all out in the end. This mortal mind limits me from comprehension and I still worry. I miss my parents. I miss my mom. I miss having that one person I could tell ANYTHING to and never feel embarrassed. I miss the advice she gave, and the way she would listen to me no matter how many times I repeated myself. I miss the times when I just needed to say something and have no advice, which she gave me anyways and I got annoyed. I want that someone who is my very own to talk to and tell things to without fear. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but I cherished those moments we had. It is times like tonight when I am so uncertain about so much that I want totalk to her.

I have had SO many changes through out the last year. I cannot even begin to list them all! I got to a point where I was really happy in Havasu. Socially happy that is. I have family, a great ward, awesome friends, people I can't imagine not having in my life every day. The thought of leaving these people "behind" caused a terrible ache in me and I had no idea how I would ever be able to part. However, I wasn't happy with my job, and I couldn't wait to move on in that respect. Now, I absolutely love my job, but I feel like I am socially ready to move on. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying I don't love and adore all those people mentioned above, I have just realized that my life is one that is just starting, I get to create whatever I want. I get to be and to have whatever I set my mind to. I cannot tag along on someone else's life. Why is it that when you finally feel settled or comfortable in one area your mind changes about something else? I wish my head and my heart could get on the same page! There is so much I want to do and see, and part of me feels like "sitting" here in Havasu leads no where.

This is what happens when I stay up late and contemplate my life. More to come...

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Confused about not being confused.

I felt like this post needed it's very own space
I know that I am at the stage in my life where marriage is a GREAT goal. It is what I want, it is what I SHOULD want. However, it's not that easy! Finding a worthy, dateable, funny, compassionate, church loving man is NOT simple. Especially when yo live somewhere like HAVASU!
And then there is this side of me that says: "Hey, you are good at being single. You have a great life. You are living worthy, you are blessed like CRAZY. You have the job you want, you have had the opportunity to be close to family. You don't have to worry about LEARNING to live with someone. You don't have to think about making someone happy, or learning how to be happy with someone. Life is good. And if you are worthy the Lord will make it right." That's a cheap way out.
And why is it when you DO find someone who you could like...that likes you, there are obstacles. Like: the distance between you...geographically, AND spiritually! A friend told me tonight, (and I am paraphrasing...I am sure she wont mind...) "You are living RIGHT, you do not want to get into a situation where you have to start 'fixing' things." It is SO true. I don't want to have to "get there" I AM there. I want to find someone who is there too!!!
I am also starting to realize that as much as single life is wonderful I am missing out on things like:
Being loved
Sharing thoughts/feelings
Making a home
Being sealed and having the wonderful blessings of the temple
Having children
Having someone to make decisions with
Laughing with someone who gets YOU
Smiling and knowing what the other is thinking
Having goals together
Staying up late and giggling
Going on dates
Sharing secrets
Holding hands
Sitting with that special someone at church
The priesthood in my home
Someone to call my own...and have him call me his
Fighting over what movie to watch
Laughing at the disasters we encounter
Being a wife
Being a mother
Feeling wanted
Love for eternity!
I have also come to the realization that *I* Kathryn M. Scott CAN be picky about who I marry!! For some reason people think they should "settle" or instead HOPE things will get better or change in a person. I am ALL for being positive. But WHY would I decide to choose someone who cannot take me to the temple, who cannot offer me the priesthood. WHY would I NOT fight with everything I have to make happen what I know is right. What I KNOW the Lord wants. What I KNOW, without ANY doubt in my mind, heart and spirit to be true? I say to you I WILL!! I will NOT settle. I will live worthy, and let the Lord do the rest! It's not too much to ask, because I KNOW the Lord provides a way!
Things I MUST have in an Eternal Companion:
Worthy/Active Priesthood holder
CAN and WANTS to take me to the temple
Service oriented
Wants children
Can laugh at himself and with me
Has and makes goals
Wants to be better, and help me be better
Isn't complacent
Appreciates music
Good Listener
Easy/out going
There are probably a lot more...maybe I will update as they come to me...But that is a pretty good start!
Now...just to BECOME all of those things so I make it fair game!